I think about food a lot. Like “normal” people, I think about how good it tastes, how much I am going to enjoy my next home cooked meal, how great the Christmas ham will be. But along with those thoughts, I think about how guilty I am for loving food so much, and how stupid I must be for not being able to lose weight (it’s just a numbers game, right?) and how if I don’t finish the rest of that cheese and sausage tray immediately, it will probably go bad and that’s such a waste of food, don’t you think?
In the 90’s, I was a pom-pon girl. I danced every night after school, and then again twice a week for ballet and jazz lessons. I’ve never been a size 8, but let’s be honest, 140 pounds of pure muscle is damn sexy. And at the time, I didn’t even know it. I wanted to be 132, like a friend I looked up to. I was embarrassed to wear my pom skirt without pants under it on game days. I had a beautiful, athletic, muscular body and I didn’t even appreciate it.
Today I weigh 222 pounds. I am 31 years old. This is the most I’ve ever weighed, and I hate getting dressed in the morning. I recently discovered that binge eating is actually a psychological disorder, and my therapist recommended I read up on it. But this is not who I am! I just started my own business! I have loving relationships with friends and family! I have never failed at anything that I really put my heart into! Except for this.
I don’t exactly know why I have the instinct to write about this journey. I feel like if I can share what I’m going through, and have gone through and the tools I use I might be able to connect with someone like me, who needs a little help. My goal weight by January 1, 2015 is 165 pounds. About a pound a week. I know that physically this is possible and I’m going to deal with all of the emotions that come along with it come hell or high water.
So now you know, interwebs. I’m a fatty and I can’t hide it any more (like I was fooling anyone, right?)! This is a journal of my process. I can’t tell you if it will be successful or if I’ll find the answer. But what I promise is to be honest about what’s going on with me, with the hope that others like me won’t feel alone. We need to end this fat-war and find peace in our bodies, our health and our souls.